


Mac N' Japes

by MimiRoar



Series: Deputy Stewart's Wet and Wild Appleseed Heist. [1]
Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: F/M, Glorified Macaroni Recipe, Just japes, macaroni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 13:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18335273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MimiRoar/pseuds/MimiRoar
Summary: After hearing about how the Seed family are not only awful people but awful cooks Deputy Elizabeth Stewart/Rook leaps into action to cook John Seed the best macaroni on planet earth.





	Mac N' Japes

**Author's Note:**

> That dialogue from Nick about the watery mac n' cheese really stuck with me. I knew I had to write something silly about it.

"NO WAY!" Elizabeth yelled, slapping her leg as she clutched her beer. 

It was quiet at the Rye household, or as quiet as a postpartum mother trying to calm her crying daughter while her husband and this random sheriff's deputy drank beer could get. Elizabeth's laughter echoed through the cozy home. 

"Tell it again, please! I cannot believe this, you are definitely bullshitting me." 

"I'm serious! Anyone could come, and these bastards came with watery mac n' cheese. How you mess up mac n' cheese is beyond me. That was how I knew they were monsters." Nick recanted, his eyes drifting to the stairs leading up to where his Kim and little Carmina were resting. 

"What happened after that? Did John stare you down while shoveling it into his mouth, did it stick in his beard? Oh my god, did Joseph try and say a prayer????" Giggling she took a sip of beer, her face getting that signature heat that always came when she was nearing her limit. 

"All of that happened, Kim was already pregnant at this point so that John was giving us daggers the whole time. It's like he hated that our pregnancy was getting more attention from everyone than he was gettin'. I told you how he took all our baby shit right? Who does that sort of things??" 

Before Nick could finish his beer, Kim slowly made her way down the stairs. Holding Carmina in her arms, she gingerly bounced the baby in her arms to keep her quiet. She looked exhausted. Moving over to the couch she held up her free hand to high-five her husband. 

"I'm tapping out, I need a nap. Sorry Dep, duty calls." 

Nick turned his head from Kim back to the Deputy before standing to take his daughter from Kim. "Oh, sure thing, hey, I'll see you soon okay. Make sure you lemme know if you ever need a hand!" 

"I gotcha buddy, Get some good rest, Kim, if you need a hand with the kiddo just give a shout, we gotta stick together you know?" Smiling Elizabeth stood up, finishing her beer she crushed it and dropped it in the garbage can outside their home. 

Hopping onto her favorite blue ATV, she grabbed her radio and called the only person she could tell this secret badass idea she had. 

"Okay, so let me get this straight. You're going to sneak onto John Seed's ranch and make… mac n' cheese? Are you like gonna eat it?" Sharky questioned over the radio.

"Nah. Nick told me the funniest fuckin' story about the Seeds making god awful mac n' cheese. So I'm gonna sneak over there and just make some amazing mac n' cheese. Just to push John's buttons. If he doesn't respond, I'm gonna just do it again." Elizabeth laughed over the radio. She was already en route to the ranch, dark miles of road stretched before her with beautiful trees swaying in the breeze. 

"That is… evil. You're like a delicious meal making demon!"

"Hell yeah, Shark. I'll update ya on how it goes. Maybe we can get the gang together and wait to see if he responds." Elizabeth spoke, turning off her radio as she pulled up to the driveway of the Seed Ranch. 

The long stretch of dirt was perfect for her to make her way through quietly. He always had guards posted to make rounds, but once he was asleep they weren't moving around too much inside. John must be a pretty light sleeper. Humming to herself she checked her watch. It was half-past 4 in the morning now. Crossing past a Peggie with an AK-47 strapped to his back she slowly stepped inside. 

The interior of his home was very comfy, to say the least. Skinned animals and trophies were everywhere. What looked to be a fireplace was not in use at the moment, all light coming either from outside or from lamps in the corners of the large open room. 

Moving to the kitchen she pulled her bag from her shoulders and dumped all the ingredients she brought onto the stainless granite countertop. Before she got started she blocked the door into the kitchen with a chair and shut the few windows letting in light. Whistling quietly she opened a small cabinet near the stove, pulling out a saucepan and pot that looked like they were barely ever used she washed her hands and got to work. 

It was a simple recipe, way better than any box crap you could get from any supermarket. Filling the medium-sized pot with about 6 cups of water she let it boil while she got to work on her sauce. Making a roux was way more complicated to parse in words than it was to actually do. Turning the heat on the stove to medium heat she melted a few pads of butter she kept in a small container. Along with dumping in a cup of flour from another slightly bigger container. Stirring the messy mixture she checked her water before pouring in her pasta shells into the water, stopping every few seconds to make sure she wasn't making too much noise. 

Letting the pasta cook she checked her sauce, it wasn't cheesy yet, but it was getting there. Opening a small bottle from her bag she stirred a cup of milk into the saucepan, watching the flour-butter mixture turn into a more creamy liquid. The room filled with a sweet warm smell, before turning to a more cheesy one. Pouring in a whole bag of pre-grated mozzarella and cheddar cheese she stirred the mixture as it thickened into a smooth cheese sauce. 

Turning the heat off she grabbed the handle of her pot of al dente pasta, turning to the sink she poured out as much water as she could before shaking the pasta around, so it didn't stick to the pot. Setting back to the stove she poured the pasta slowly into the saucepan, grabbing her large spoon she folded the shells into the cheese, watching them fill with cheese and start to stick together. Taking a small bite she smiled, it was almost perfect. Almost. 

Pulling a multitude of different spice bottles from her back she cracked fresh black pepper, poured in bits of chopped oregano, and harvested fresh thyme to put into the mix. Swishing that around the saucepan it was finally ready. A perfect mac n' cheese.

That wasn't all, she wasn't done yet. 

Searching his cabinets she finally found his plates and silverware. She made him a whole beautiful plate with a fork dipped in to invite him to take a bite of her handiwork. 

Smelling her cooking she smiled putting the empty pot into the sink. The saucepan soon meeting the same end, but she made sure to give it a quick wash to make sure it wasn't the worst to clean. She was a meal making demon after all, not a total monster.

Taking a breath she moved the chair blocking the door, and opened a window. Collecting her things she put her bag back on and prepared herself to make her daring escape. Slamming her hands on the countertop and screaming at the top of her lungs she bolted for the window. 

"SOUPS ON MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Darting out the window she heard the sound of John's rude awakening and the loud footsteps of all the guards running inside to see what the hell was going on. Giggling to herself she darted into the brush as fast as she could, sliding in the tall grasses to hide. Watching the chaos she turned and made herself scarce just as a familiar voice growled at her through her radio.

"Deputy, I knew I heard your voice. I was unsure if it was just a nightmare or a familiar dream. To not only trespass on my property but to sneak around and decide to use where I make the food, I eat to make a sick joke. I thought better of you. Do not interrupt my sleep for your sick kicks again."

The sound of the fork grating the empty bits of bowl getting picked up by the radio were all too telling. He was totally loving her food. 

So naturally, she popped back again the next night to do it again. He had stationed way more Peggies this time around. It took her much longer than she expected to finally make her way inside, but overhearing their conversations was worth the hassle. 

"Brother John was getting really worked up over the food that sinner made, what kind of person intrudes on someone's property to cook them food?" One woman said to a man as they walked the perimeter.

"I heard Brother John was searching like crazy on his laptop for something called a row? Roux? Some kinda cooking thing. Wonder what's got him so worked up, it isn't like him to worry about that sort of thing." A man stationed inside spoke to another across the stairway. 

She almost couldn't hold in her laughter, sneaking around she was sure someone had to have heard her intestines almost burst laughing. 

This time she upped it a notch, instead of just making the mac n' cheese she baked it afterward. Leaving him a whole casserole container filled with the baked cheesy goodness. Half covered in crunchy bread crumbs of course. 

The skedaddle was a little harder, instead of yelling she opted to ring a cowbell for a whole 5 seconds before making her great escape. She swears she heard John jump and fall out of his bed as she vaulted out the window. Choking on her spit she fled, hearing the sounds of yelling and subsequent gunfire in her general direction. Hoping on her blue quad she drove away as fast as humanly possible before getting that another radio message.

"Deputy. I knew you were raised in a god damn barn, but a cowbell? Really? If your food wasn't so satisfactory I'd have you killed on the spot. I cordially invite you to try this again, go on I dare you to come tomorrow. Make haste my dear, I still see you." As the radio turned to static the engine of a plane roared overhead. 

"What happened next?" Sharky spoke up.

"Whatcha mean?" Elizabeth responded.

"Like. did he get you? Did he even eat the mac n' cheese that time?" He spoke crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair at the Moonflower Trailer park. 

"Oh he ate it, he later told me he liked it more with the bread crumbs but still ravished that whole fuckin container." She retorted, chuckling as she pointed at Sharky.

"Do you think he wants to bone you while you feed him more macaroni?" He asked, smirking at her.

"That would be fuckin weird, Shark. Even for him. I did tell him to rsvp our date tonight though. Should I actually show, or would it be more fucked up to not go and hear him be so fuckin pissed I wasn't waiting on his doorstep?"

"Do you even need me to answer that, numero dos amigo."

Nodding to each other Elizabeth raised her arm to motion for a sweet fist-bump, to which Sharky obliged wholeheartedly. He even did little finger fireworks with those dumb "pshhh" mouth noises. 

"Too much?" He questioned, looking up at her.

"Nah." 

Hours passed, the sun had dipped below the horizon, and the moon took its place. Checking her phone it had to be 2, or 3 in the morning. Sleep wasn't a fond friend of hers, and the mistress of the night always tempted her to stay up the little extra hour. Now though, she was aching to see John again, to push his buttons. Laying back in a cheap bed she was squatting in for the night her eyes drifted through the abandoned bedroom. Whoever lived here before took whatever trace of sentimental value, and skedaddled hopefully far away from Hope County. 

Sighing she grabbed her radio and muttered into the microphone. 

"You awake John?" She questioned the soft buzz of the radio. 

It took a moment for a voice to respond, she figured he might have just gone to sleep at this point. 

"The night is cruel Deputy, sleep is eluding me tonight. As are you. I was wondering when you were going to touch base with me again, you sinners can never keep away, can you?" His tired words always had that sense of superiority dripping from them, and she couldn't resist it. 

"I planned on just dipping out on you, but you keep pulling me back in. You are a forbidden fruit you know that?" She yawned out her response, curling up under the dirty old covers of her borrowed mattress. 

"I even left my home unguarded, just for you. I would object to your statement, but if I am a forbidden sin that drives you closer to me... I'll take it. You will say yes to me, even if I have to claw it from your throat. Now, are you coming or do I need to drag you here myself? I've been awaiting your presence with bated breath." 

She felt that familiar heat come to her face, though there was no beer in sight. Was he even still talking about wanting to eat food? She couldn't help herself, letting out a small laugh into the radio. "Are you hungry for food, or hungry for me? Haha… I knew you had the hots for me Johnny boy."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, you forget yourself." He said with a small scoff before continuing. "A holy man such as myself would never indulge myself in such a way, but to make a sinner such as yourself become free from the chains of your sin? That my dear is another story. So, what say you? Will you indulge yourself, deputy." 

His words were persuasive, cunning. He knew how to dig under her skin and make her heart melt. His nature was to always put on a show to whoever he was interacting with, and right now she had front row seats to his debut. 

"I'll think on it, John."

"Of course you will, deputy."


End file.
